splitmemory | can you keep a secret

...yes. Yes. They will both calm down, and they shall not speak of this again. Malleus nods absently, trying to pull himself back together; he is being foolish. And-

"You suggested helping me?" The revelation is startling, Malleus' eyes drawn right back to Lilia's own, the rest of the words going entirely over his head. They are reassurances that this is natural, that it means nothing, but Malleus is stuck on the thing he'd apparently not noticed Lilia offering.

Why in the world would Lilia offer such a thing? Out of obligation? That cannot be it, right? Lilia has lately been all about Malleus trying things on his own, forming his own experiences, 'growing up', so to speak. There is no need for him to help in such an intimate moment, because as naive as Malleus is to this sort of thing, he knows it is not something shared casually between people.

Malleus feels like a fool. He is a fool.

He hadn't realized? What, did he think Lilia kissed him and offered to 'take care of this' for him just to make fun of him? Where had his mind been, if he couldn't realize what Lilia had meant? Was he that overtaken by his own embarrassment...?

"Malleus... you are so very smart and yet so very dense sometimes." The complaint slips out before Lilia can even think it through, making a face down at Malleus.

How does he even begin to explain it without getting too technical or lecturing Malleus?

"Why in the world did you think I kissed you? Said those things about taking care of you? Yes it was an offer to help you. A foolish offer, I realize. I'd gotten ahead of myself. Did not even to think that this offer would be one you may not wish me of all people to make."

Yes, Malleus is a fool. A naive fool. Poor Lilia, having to explain every single detail of this.

Edited 2024-05-21 01:34 (UTC)

Yes, he was overtaken by his own embarrassment! Shame is a powerful emotion, Lilia. There's a slight twitch of Malleus' lips when Lilia calls him dense - quite bold, honestly - but.

...yes, the kiss. Malleus still does not know what to think of that. He has heard plenty of things about kisses, that there are all kinds, and Lilia himself used to kiss Malleus on the forehead or the cheek when he was much smaller. The lips is another matter entirely, and from what he has heard - from others and from stories - it is reserved for someone you love. But there are all different types of love, too, and so, is it any wonder he is confused?!

"I-" Malleus is not often at a loss for words, but now he is. The cogs turn in his head, but he still isn't sure what to make of this. "An offer to help me. And how, pray tell, would you do that?"

Does he have some magic spell to alleviate this? If so, Malleus would love to learn it.

How lacking was Malleus' teachings that he wasn't even aware when someone had been blatantly offering-- Lilia can't even blame himself for that poor teaching. He'd gone far harder on Malleus than he did Silver, sure, but this was not something that he'd gone over. He'd figured that Malleus would learn a little from books, stories, and yet, here they were....

"Malleus." Lilia is clearly frustrated. It's difficult to explain these things when he was squirming uncomfortably in his spot, wanting nothing more than for this conversation to end now. If he'd known it would end up in this way, he might not have ever said anything, or kissed him--

"There is no spell for this, no cure I can offer. The help I had been offering should be obvious: I was offering to touch you." Pushing back from the desk, he leans in again, pressing his finger against Malleus' chest in emphasis, "I was offering, if you wanted, to have sex. Or, alternatively, to simply fool around and see what happened." Lilia tells him, keeping that finger pressed against him, still leaning down to make that eye contact.

"Do you understand now, or must I go into even further graphic detail?"

Edited 2024-05-21 01:52 (UTC)

Books and stories? What does Lilia think Malleus reads, smut novels? No, absolutely not. He has read plenty of magic tomes, history books, fairytales, but things discussing... this? Never. Why would Malleus give such drivel the time of day?

He can tell Lilia is frustrated with him, though, which does not happen all that often. It makes Malleus feel strangely like he is being scolded; Lilia is one of the very few people who can achieve this reaction. Still, Malleus inwardly defends himself; how was he to know? He has never had to deal with this problem because of such a reason before. Lilia has never squirmed around in his lap, and then... kissed him.

When Lilia makes it clear what he means, Malleus' face goes red.

Touching? Sex???? Is that not too far? Fooling around, even- But his mind is wandering, and he is still meeting Lilia's eyes, though Malleus' mouth hangs slightly open, as though he is at a loss for words. No, he is at a loss for words.

"I... understand now, yes." Malleus manages to croak it out, secretly admiring Lilia's boldness. Is this the sort of thing he gets up to? Yes, he is much older than Malleus, and must have experience, but somehow that is not something he wants to consider.

Really, it isn't Malleus' fault at all that he was unaware, that he didn't understand what Lilia was trying to offer in the first place. He should have been more clear with his intentions, more open about what he was offering, instead of being so unclear about it.

Being this close again, no matter if he was frustrated or if Malleus was flustered, with their eyes met-- oh, his own mind was wandering to places it shouldn't again. Not when Malleus had made his boundaries clear. Or, had he? Was he setting boundaries, when he didn't understand what Lilia was even suggesting...?

Breathing out a small sigh, Lilia lets go of all the frustration that built up. That's the thing about being so easygoing, the ease with which he can let go of certain emotions. Had he been a few hundred years younger, he might have held onto that frustration, that annoyance.

Now?

He smiles, his hand finally leaving Malleus' chest to instead let him pat his cheek gently.

"I'm glad I don't have to explain further." He should be pulling back, should be leaning back, but-- their eyes were locked, his gaze focused on Malleus'. How could he want to lean back again, when he could eat up this expression on the young prince's face?

Lilia doesn't do anything, doesn't make a move again, even if he easily could. He wants to see what-- if anything-- Malleus would do, now that he had the full picture.

Malleus does not move. He does not try to get up, or leave. He doesn’t even look away, though he dearly wants to. There is overwhelming confusion, mixed with something deep and frustrating, needy, wanting. It’s like when Lilia is busy with something else and leaves Malleus alone for extended periods of time. It swirls with shame, embarrassment, and a sort of bashfulness that Malleus is not at all used to.

Ah… if he does not calm down, the weather threatens to take a turn for the grim.

“Lilia.” Malleus’s voice is… low. Firm. “Do not pity me, nor treat me as a child.”

He has always looked after Malleus, but as naive as he is, Malleus knows this is not something to be taken lightly. Lilia cannot just ‘help’ him through something this personal.

Edited 2024-05-22 01:09 (UTC)

That tone-- Lilia's brow raises up in questioning. Pity him? Treat him like a child? Could he really say that was what he was doing, in this moment? Lilia makes a face, some mixture of resignation and preparation to lecture. It falls away, as he leans back finally, back against the desk as he stares down at Malleus.

It's only natural to treat you like a child if you're going to act like one, Lilia bites back that statement before it can leave his lips, resting both of his hands against the desk behind him.

"I am not trying to, Malleus," He instead tells him, "I've been nothing but clear on my thoughts and intentions, have I not? You are not a child, although you are still learning."

"I thought perhaps you'd feel similar regarding this. We've spent much of our time together. You helped me in raising Silver during the difficult nights. There is no one else in the current time that I would make these offers to. No one else who knows me as you do." Even if Malleus even didn't know everything.

"Goodness, have I really overestimated the extent of our relationship with one another that deeply?" He did that before, too, so it wouldn't be THAT much of a surprise--

The words sting. Overestimating? If anything, Lilia is underestimating the depth of Malleus’ complicated feelings. This is a man who has been here with him his whole life, with whom Malleus also helped raise a human child, and now they are attending this quaint school together as peers. Malleus’ feelings are a swirling mess of admiration, fondness, possessiveness. The look on his face must really be quite scary, though he’s certain it won’t phase Lilia in the slightest.

No one else he would make these offers to… Malleus’ heart does an odd flip in his chest.

“Do not dare assume the extent of my feelings for you.” Is that the rumble of thunder outside?

It’s not at all that he wants to reject Lilia’s offer, and Malleus realizes that. But the idea of Lilia humoring him, ‘assisting’ him with something like this when it would not at all be a small thing to Malleus, is deeply offensive. Upsetting, even.

Oh. Oh, no. The sound of thunder outside, the look on Malleus' face-- if Lilia wasn't careful, if he didn't stop pushing Malleus, they might be looking at quite the fierce storm forming outside. It's difficult to place his own feelings in a way that would calm the boy, that would make this dense prince understand. No, he isn't phased, though he is trying his best to deescalate the situation... which he is not great at when it does not involve sweet frozen treats.

"Malleus."

Lilia's tone is gentle, yet firm. An attempt to get through to him, to cut through his thoughts with the next words he speaks. "How am I supposed to do anything but assume, when you don't tell me?"

"As knowledgeable and amazing as I am, I do not have the ability to read your mind. For me to understand, to truly understand, I'd need to hear from you. I am doing the best I can with what you have expressed."

The problem here is, Malleus himself does not really know how to express it. He knows that the feelings he harbors are strong, big enough to overshadow anything else; were Lilia to suddenly vanish from his life one day, for example… well, the word ‘tantrum’ would be too small to cover it.

He was not taught any of these things. Feelings, words for them, why would a prince of Briar Valley have need for something like that? He had been content with his own small life — mostly — but now he is experiencing new things, and along with his world growing, Lilia’s is as well. It lends itself to jealousy, and loneliness. Like with the computer, for instance.

“I do not know what to tell you.” But the sentence isn’t filled with any irritation; it is genuine, and slightly exasperated, a little lost. What does he say?

Malleus liked the kiss. He likes a lot of things about Lilia, enough to wax poetic, but he will not. They’re private feelings, and Malleus is a private person. He was raised to be that way.

They could take it slow - that would require patience, which Lilia had plenty of, despite outwardly being so impatient at times. Instant gratification was what he preferred, what he tended towards, without holding a single ounce of shame in his small form. Living with his heart seemingly on his sleeve might be foolish, might be one of the reasons why he was seen as such a disgrace, someone who wasn't even worthy to be in Malleus' presence, to be the one who watched over him, protected him, taught him, but Lilia wouldn't have it any other way.

Even so, he hides plenty, for better and for worse. Right now was one of those 'for worse' moments. Maybe, if he had been even further open, in the time he could influence Malleus, then the prince would know how to express these feelings, these desires, these needs, in words.

"That's alright," Lilia reassures with a smile, "Sometimes, with these things, with feelings or complicated thoughts, you do not need to say them with words. You can also show me, with your actions." Lilia was the type to act before thinking, before speaking, going with his instincts on most things. It's a wonder Malleus didn't pick that habit up from him, a habit that Lilia had picked up from the boy's mother.

"There is nothing you could do or say that would make me think less of you. You know that, right?"

With his actions? Malleus is at a loss there, too. He speaks with his actions when he is upset, angry, sad, but other times, he does not quite know what actions he is meant to use. Interacting with people is much trickier than he had thought. For this reason, Malleus comes off as cold and detached most of the time, but Lilia is one of the few to know better.

He gives Lilia a rueful smile finally, though he stays right where he is. Perhaps he ought to let this all go, even if Lilia speaks the truth -- and Malleus trusts Lilia would not lie to him.

"I know that, of course. You are my most loyal companion." His friend, if they could be called such a thing. Perhaps it is strange to others, but Malleus has never treated Lilia as anything other than someone he trusts fully.

...that kiss, though. Malleus wonders if it had been an invitation, rather than Lilia pitying him. Still, he does not know how to pursue that in the least; he has never had to learn. Who would teach him, and why?

Caution was very good to have, when it came to life and the many ways it could confuse you, it could throw you for a loop. For Malleus, Lilia understood that he was still very much learning, still trying to grasp how he was meant to interact with others.

That little rueful smile of Malleus' helps Lilia relax some, knowing that, in some way, his words were getting through to him, even if Malleus would continue to have a hard time with it. Wasn't that just how learning went? Little difficulties were only natural.

"Most loyal companion, hm?" Lilia repeats the words, testing them on his tongue, "You're right. I am, aren't I?" Oh, he can't help himself, when Malleus still looks so confused, still at a loss, and says such sweet things...!

Reaching out his hand, he carefully smooths down some of Malleus' hair, leaning in to press a careful kiss to the top of his head, his hand gently resting atop his head as he does.

"You're still learning. It's a neverending process. We'll be learning late into our years. That is part of the joy of being such long-lived people. Even I'm still learning. I make mistakes; you know I do." Lilia reassures, before finally adding one last comment, "To learn with one another: isn't that an even greater joy? I'm so very grateful, you know. To be able to be by your side, to learn alongside you and watch you learn in your own time."

Malleus' eyes close when he feels the warmth of Lilia's hand, and the familiar feeling of a kiss to the top of his head. It mirrors many of their interactions in his younger years, which is both nostalgic, and a little frustrating. He wonders... does Lilia still see him as a child? Malleus is far younger in fae terms, yes, but he is not a child. And his feelings for Lilia- Perhaps they are not entirely platonic.

That, however, is a box he has not opened.

An exhale; Malleus' tension drains the slightest bit, and with it the irritation and anger of their almost-argument, his almost-tantrum. The weather, it seems, will not take a turn for the worse tonight. Lilia always says just the right thing.

"Then you will continue to stay by my side." Malleus says it as though it is a given. Thinking about Lilia leaving makes his chest tight, so he simply will not. "There are far more things that I must learn in comparison to you, though."

To think of Malleus as a child would be a terrible disservice to him, to who he was becoming and growing into. Malleus was a grown man, with his own feelings, thoughts. His own views on the world, which would continue to grow with him, as Lilia's had. The feelings he had for Malleus, well... those might not be platonic either, in such a complicated way. It was hard to place.

They didn't need to open up those feelings, those boxes, to identify and understand them. Not today.

Thank the Thorn Fairy that Malleus begins to calm, that his tension begins to drain even a little. Lilia's hand stays against his head for a moment longer, fingers playing with the Prince's hair.

"Absolutely I will. No matter what anyone else says or thinks. Even as our roles change, I will be by your side." That, he knows, is a lie. One day, he will need to leave Malleus. That day wouldn't come anytime soon, he's sure. "That simply means I can continue to teach you. Besides, Malleus..."

"Even I don't know everything. Have you forgotten how different I was when you were small? The ways I've changed, learned, grown? It's been so long since then. We've both so much to learn, so much to see."

Their roles. Was it possible for roles to change as drastically as Malleus suspects he might want? He thinks of the kiss earlier, and of how Lilia's hips had felt against his own. And again, Lilia mentions when Malleus was small, though it is true that the Lilia now is distinct from the Lilia then.

Malleus suddenly looks rather sullen, though he tries to shake it off.

"It is rather unfair of you to continue to mention the time when I was small." Embarrassing, even, and it makes Malleus feel worse about the way his body had reacted earlier.

Malleus had a point - he shouldn't keep bringing that up, after the reaction both of their bodies had. With a small laugh, Lilia shakes his head, as if to brush off that sullen feeling that sinks in to his ward.

"It is, it is. I was simply trying to remind you of how I've changed. I may be the same Lilia who was the General of the Right, but I certainly don't act the same as him."

Lilia moves both of his hands down to cup both of Malleus' cheeks, smiling down at him. "I'll stop bringing it up. Promise, promise!" They're so close again - it's just how Lilia was, constantly getting so close without even thinking.

Malleus has something else to say, but it suddenly seems unimportant. Lilia's hands feel nice, and they are close... He likes when they're close. If they could be as close as they were when Malleus was small, he would be very pleased indeed. But wasn't it he who wanted to stop bringing up when he was small? It certainly isn't appropriate, not given the... reaction he's had.

His face feels slightly warm as this thoughts slip back to that. Lilia had offered to help, but what did that mean? Malleus could spend hours spiraling, trying to figure it out. Instead, he tries to ignore it, though he does lift his hands to press them over the tops of Lilia's, as if to keep him there.

"You seem... happy." With his silly little computer games, and his club. Malleus does not mind Lilia branching out, and knows he ought to do it too, but it's hard. And he does get... jealous. A little.

There's not a lot more important than being close to those that he cared about. For Lilia, this was the most important, no matter how flighty he might be, no matter how careless he could be when it came to the emotions of those around him.

One of Lilia's thumbs carefully caress Malleus' cheek, as Malleus' own hands come to rest over the top of his. It was a comfortable position, one that felt both new and nostalgic all at once. Why did it feel new, if being close wasn't new for them? Was it the warmth to Malleus' face, maybe? The small conversation they'd just had, that almost turned into a fight, a tantrum? Did it matter?

Instead, he focused his attention on Malleus, expression soft as he smiles at him, "I am. I've made plenty of new friends, experienced so many things that I could have never dreamed of experiencing in a school setting." Lilia goes on for a moment, before leaning in and gently bumping his forehead against Malleus'.

"To top it all off, I'm happy to be here with you all. With Silver and Sebek, of course, but you most of all, Malleus."

Edited 2024-06-02 18:03 (UTC)

This is nice. It makes Malleus' chest ache, but it's not in an unpleasant way. It feels full, like he wants to preserve this moment forever; he feels that about a lot of things lately, but particularly these moments with Lilia. The embarrassment of earlier has faded, along with any anger or petulance.

Malleus bumps his forehead back against Lilia's; it's something that makes him feel nostalgic. Sometimes, though, he wishes things between them weren't so... familial. But surely that is the way he remains in Lilia's mind, given how often his childhood is brought up. Maybe he really is still just a child to Lilia.

Malleus exhales. Maybe they will just never speak of this again. It was a fluke. Seven only know what those 'energy drinks' do to people.

What use was it, preserving moments, when you could experience so many more? Moments like this never lasted forever. Neither would the memories they form in their minds. Everything eventually fades. Despite this, Lilia would hold on for as long as he could, to the moments, to the memories, until he couldn't anymore.

Maybe that's why he's to focused on Malleus at this moment, keeping his gaze firmly locked onto him. Shifting one hand down, away from his cheek, it moves along the boy's jaw, lithe fingers tracing the bone as they travel further down until he can rest his hand against the back of Malleus' neck. Each movement is slow, purposeful, even if his thoughts are unreadable within his gaze.

"Stay the night with me," Lilia breaks the calm silence with one statement, "I planned to head into town on my own come morning. You should accompany me." It is a request, no matter how much Lilia makes it sound like he's already decided Malleus would accept.

"If you stay here, it'll be easy for me to know when you've woken up. I would hate to wake you for something so trivial."

Malleus does not move; he sits still under the touch of Lilia's hand, again wishing it was something he could preserve. He is both tempted to close his eyes, to better focus on the sensation, and to continue watching Lilia just like he is, solemn and unblinking. Malleus wonders what he is thinking; he could ask, but there is no guarantee Lilia would speak the truth.

When he does speak, though, Malleus' mouth drops open slightly in surprise.

It is a request, yes, but Malleus would never think of turning it down. Lilia must know this, from the way he says it. Malleus wants nothing more than to stay here, to share Lilia's bed- even though there is a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that he should decline. Especially after... this little incident.

He is silent just a moment longer.

"Very well. It would allow me to be sure you stop playing your silly game." Malleus says it as though he is doing Lilia a favor by staying the night, even though he's secretly quite pleased about the invitation.

The surprise was expected. When wasn't he amused by shocking or surprising others? Still, there's something about the way Malleus looks at him, the silence that stays for just a little longer, as Malleus thinks it over.

Is Malleus thinking it over? Was it something that required that much thought?

Lilia gets his answer, the answer he knew he'd get easily. It's then that his hands finally pull back from Malleus, even if the man might protest, might want his hands to stay longer, might try to pull them back down to rest against him again. Closing his eyes for a brief second, Lilia nods, taking that answer. His forehead nudges Malleus' once more before he pulls back all the way, shifting back from the desk.

"Just for you, I'll stop playing early. My Lord, keeping you up even later than this would be akin to a crime, would it not?"

He needs to get changed, then clean up that mess of the spilled energy drink on the floor. Slipping his jacket off, he sets the material aside, not seeming to care to ask Malleus to turn around while he changes from his uniform into something more simple. When he's half undressed from the hips up, he glances over towards Malleus.

"Would you mind grabbing a rag, Malleus? I'll clean up the mess, then we can lie down."

So, they will just not talk about their little... bout of excitement. Malleus is fine with that, even though it nags at the back of his mind, the way it had felt to have Lilia press against him, and the offer to help-

No, he's not thinking about that. He focuses instead on the warmth and the nostalgia of that forehead-touch. Things will stay the same, Malleus tells himself, and he is more than happy with that.

"I would prefer the two of us get ample rest for school tomorrow." Though time in Briar Valley moves quite differently than here, and Lilia is the sort to be awake in the night... as is Malleus, if his late-night walks are anything to take into consideration.

Even though he is not asked, Malleus politely averts his gaze, only glancing back when he is asked to fetch a rag. He doesn't bother offering to clean the mess himself, because the thought does not even cross his mind. Instead, he looks around for a bit of cloth that might suffice - a crumpled hand-towel will do, yes? - and offers it out to Lilia, still not looking directly at him.

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