splitmemory | can you keep a secret

Malleus is trying to forget. Unfortunately, that is proving rather difficult, especially with how close they are, and the way Lilia touches him so easily. It could be passed as simple affection, something not worth thinking about too deeply, but then a thumb presses against Malleus’ lip, and how is he supposed to not think strange things when Lilia does that?

The words, too. They settle warm and heavy in Malleus’ chest. It is a good thing he can’t read Lilia’s thoughts; he would absolutely protest the suggestion that he is cute.

“You are treating me like a child again.” Malleus sounds slightly sullen, but the red of his face doesn’t diminish.

... Maybe that's because Lilia doesn't want to forget about it. He wants to push Malleus, to have him explore those things. To be the one to explore them with him would be even more rewarding, really. For who Malleus is, who he's become, was someone that Lilia wanted fully know. How could he make that known to Malleus?

The comment makes Lilia raise a brow, giving Malleus a look.

"Am I, really? Is that what you see these little touches as? My words? Treating you like a child?" Lilia's thumb moves along still, this time Lilia's eyes glancing down to those lips before flicking back up to Malleus' eyes. "They're not meant to be."

...Yes, that is what Malleus had thought. Now, though, it becomes apparent that it is not what Lilia had meant, both with the touches and the fact that Lilia outright says it. And the way he looks at Malleus, enough to make his stomach flip and his pulse do this odd thing in his chest. It reminds him of earlier, when they had been so close together, and-

And obviously, he is misunderstanding. Is he not? There is no way Lilia would ever... no, this is ridiculous. Malleus himself has pushed any such feelings down very, very deep, because it is not at all appropriate, because Malleus is a guardian figure for him, and-

"Then what do you mean them as?" His voice is a bit petulant and demanding, still able to feel the weight of that thumb on his lip.

If not treating him like a child, what else would he be trying to show? It's a difficult idea, isn't it?

Lilia offers the other fae a small half shrug of his shoulders, his hand slowly moving back from Malleus' chin and lips, to instead smooth back some of his hair again, playing with some of the more wild strands that refuse to behave.

"Affection. Adoration. Not in that way, not in the way you think - not as if you're a child." Something that, by human standards, he shouldn't feel, shouldn't want. They don't work based on human standards, and....

This was complicated, wasn't it?

"Should I stop? This is no way for me to act with you, after all. You are the heir to the throne. In comparison, I am nothing more than a spot of dirt on the Draconia name. The call is yours to make, Malleus." Does he keep this up? Or does he stop?

It was complicated, yes. As is the way Malleus' heart thrums in his chest, and that's what tells him that, deep down, this isn't unwanted. He's not an idiot, even if many things go over his head due to lack of experience. Like now, when he is only finally starting to understand what Lilia is getting at. Even with that incident from earlier.

Malleus, obviously, should tell him yes, he should stop. It is not at all appropriate, not only because Lilia is far too important to sully like this, but also because of their status, because of who they are, and-

Ah, when has Malleus cared about that when it comes to Lilia? He is spoiled; he's always gotten what he wants, and when he hasn't, he's been prone to throw tantrums. Nobody tells him no, so why should he tell that to himself? There is a slight frown, though, when Lilia speaks of himself that way.

"I am the only one who can make comparisons when it comes to me," he insists, "And you are far more important than that."

A spot of dirt? Hardly. He is one of the people Malleus values most, which is the reason he struggles with allowing himself to want. Pushing Lilia away would be the very last thing Malleus would ever want. But if it is reciprocated...

Affection, adoration. He wants that.

It could only get further complicated if they continued this conversation. If it led to where it may lead, if it was something they fully opened themselves up about. Could they really accept whatever was in their hearts, to allow their own selfish desires to bypass what they were meant to do?

The ex-general, banished from the Capital despite being the only one to pour enough love into that little egg, to save Malleus from certain death. Looked down upon by those who remembered, erased from history in any way that mattered aside from rumors. None of that mattered, whenever Lilia got to see Malleus. Got to look into his eyes, to hold him, to watch him learn about the world around him. If he could protect Malleus, to continue to watch him throughout the years, to watch him grow into the great King he knew he would be, then Lilia would sacrifice even more. Anything, to be allowed that.

The truth still lay in the facts between them, no matter what anyone else thought, after all.

"You may very well be the only one who believes that regarding me," Lilia murmurs, shaking his head, before continuing, "... Your opinion is the only one that matters. What you want, that is the only thing in this world that matters. You know that, right?"

Why does it matter if Malleus is the only person who believes it? As Lilia says, his is the only opinion that matters. Regardless of what others say, or what they tell him he should think, Malleus only follows what he wants to follow. This is, perhaps, a severe character flaw in a leader, but when has he ever had to do otherwise?

So, he truly does take Lilia's words to heart- Almost.

"What you want matters." Because Malleus cares about what Lilia wants. Even though he is a selfish young man - raised spoiled and praised, with the skills to back it up - Malleus cares very deeply for those who matter to him. Lilia is at the top of that list, written in bold.

Malleus would take what he wants with anything else, but not with this. Not unless Lilia says he wants it, too.

Malleus was going to be a strong leader, with a powerful will. Lilia knew this. Believed in him to do what was right, to persevere through and believe what he wanted to. What was right. Here, bringing him to this school after Malleus received that letter, was the way to do that. To help him branch out from the closed mindedness of those who would teach him otherwise.

Those four little words are too sweet. Like sugar mixed in honey.

"... and you know very well what it is I want." Lilia tells Malleus, keeping his words simple, clear yet still just vague enough to not be obvious. To let Malleus come to his own conclusions. That's the way to do it, after all.

Otherwise, he may say something that frustrates the prince. Makes him think twice about wanting him around.

If Lilia thinks Malleus will be that easy, he is going to find out otherwise. No, Malleus will not say what Lilia wants him to say, because then... how is he to know if Lilia is simply doing what he thinks Malleus wants? Going along with what he says? Malleus is not a fool, but he is also terrified of losing the very few people he has. Lilia makes up far too large a part of his life to risk losing.

"No, I do not. Not unless you tell me." Malleus, again, sounds vaguely petulant, though his voice is softer than it usually would be. "You will tell me what you want, and stop trying to make me guess."

A little firmer, now. The touches have made him bolder, along with the fact that Malleus has always been quick to anger. Not that he is angry, but there is absolutely frustration behind that demand.

Lilia moves to rest his head back down against Malleus' shoulder, to avoid needing to look him in the face when responding to this. His hand shifts down, carefully pressing against Malleus' chest, tracing small little shapes against him. It would be easier, to keep beating around it. If he did, would Malleus become further frustrated with him?

"I want to be someone who is allowed to care for you, to show that affection without it being assumed that it's only due to your status. To our roles." Lilia finally murmurs out, after a moment of thought. "I shouldn't want what I want, as someone who is your 'guardian'. Someone who has looked after you, trained you, taught you."

Shaking his head, Lilia breathes out a soft sigh.

"It is so very complicated, Malleus. Who am I to even say I want to be more, when I've already been allowed so much time with you?"

Oh yes, Malleus would have become further frustrated, and Lilia knows very well what happens when he gets that way. Perhaps not as severe as anger, but Malleus' moods have always been quite stormy. He listens, hanging on Lilia's words, unblinking. And as Malleus tries to process the words correctly, worried of making a mistake, he turns them over and over in his head.

...then, perhaps they are... on the same page. Malleus isn't actually quite sure what that page is, but it sounds like Lilia wants something he believes he shouldn't. Something that is more than the relationship they have now, with Lilia in place as his 'guardian'. Someone who views Malleus as a child to be looked after.

Nervousness is a very strange feeling, one that Malleus is not familiar with.

"If you want more, you shall have more." Whatever that is. Because Malleus really would give Lilia anything.

The silence is difficult. To wait for what Malleus might say in return. The possible disapproval, rejection. The demand that Lilia explain even further, to go into detail on what he meant. He's lucky, then, that Malleus doesn't, and instead... Those words bring him to lift his head again, looking to Malleus.

What... did he mean by this? Was it an acceptance? No, it couldn't be. Then what--

"Only if you want the same." Lilia then turns it on Malleus, "If you don't, then there's not even a point in trying. Besides, there are others you could want. More appropriate options." Appropriate in all of the ways possible. In all the ways Lilia wishes he could be there for Malleus.

"That is why this is your choice... as I've no clue what you want. As much as it's true that you had no idea what I want, you are still the one who will have to deal with the consequences of this choice."

Malleus could laugh; does Lilia think he would do something he is uncomfortable with? Others he could want... more appropriate options... like who? Who is as close to Malleus, who gives him as much time and thought as Lilia does? Who can match his strength and come close to his lifespan?

The smile on Malleus' face is fond.

"The consequences? And what would those be?" Who would dare to try and force 'consequences' on Malleus Draconia?

can you keep a secret

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject