splitmemory | secret gamer friends who like to have makeout sessions

Fine, you're selfish.

[But there's no real bite to it, spoken in his usual flat affect. Even though it makes him uncomfortable, isn't something he'd choose in a million years, the idea of Lilia returning to his own dorm doesn't inspire relief. Now that they're within each other's orbit, letting go feels like a betrayal of that long-held desire. They'd always talked about meeting up, toying with the idea for years. And uncomfortable as it is, Idia... Well, he's used to things ending, coming into his life and leaving just as soon. He wants him here, this person he's cared about for so long.

Could he have at least knocked?]

No it's... [He presses his lips together, sweat beading at his temple.] You can stay.

[Idia pulls a leg up to his chest, tilting his head to the edge of his bed.]

Sit if you want.

[ This could get easier, over time, for Idia. Maybe he'd learn that being known wasn't such a bad thing. Or, at least...

He knew a side to Lilia that most were unaware of. His reputation on campus wasn't exactly positive even if it wasn't all that negative, as the Vice of Diasomnia. Someone mysterious, a prankster with lies up his sleeve at all times. Helpful when he wanted to be, caring when a student near him needed support. His eccentricities needn't even be mentioned -- he's someone that's clearly the opposite of Idia. An extreme extrovert.

At least, on the outside.

Moving over to the bed, he settles on the edge, pressing both of his hands down on either side of himself. His heels press into the ground lightly, toes pointed to the ceiling in those cute little shoes he had on. ]

You're not disappointed, are you? [ The question finally leaves the small fae, to start them off. ] You always seemed to think so highly of me. I would hate to ruin what we have in any way. It's very special to me.

[ Easily, he starts by speaking his mind, deciding it best to not sit there waiting for Idia to start this. He wouldn't and they both knew it. ]

[It embarrasses him but Idia appreciates that they get right to the point. His heart is hammering in his chest, being reminded that Lilia thinks what they have is special. Of course he thinks so too, it's one of the most important things in his life. Crimson Muscle and Lilia feel so different in his head, but... His struggle to marry the two in his mind doesn't change how he feels.

Idia makes a face at Lilia, resting his cheek against his knee.]

I meant what I said then and I mean it now. And I'm nothing if not honest. [He fusses with the fabric of his pants with his fingertips.] Do I seem disappointed?

[It wouldn't shock him; his vibes bog everyone down.]

Not at all.

[ The answer comes out without a second thought. Lilia shifts his position slightly, letting himself slouch some. A more casual position. His eyes begin to wander around the room. Less of a nervous energy thing and more getting a sense of the space that Gloomurai -- Idia -- inhabits. ]

More so that I wanted to check in. Make sure that hadn't changed after being able to give it some thought.

[ After all, people's thoughts and opinions can change quickly, especially from one emotional situation to a calm mind, where they could think it through, process it. ]

[...God he's so pretty. It's actually unfair how good he looks, sitting so casually on his (his!!) bed. Idia's eyes keep catching on the gap between Lilia's thigh-highs and the bottom of that oversized hoodie of his... Absolute territory...

His attention returns back when reminded of the context in which the exist now-- strangers but best friends but distant classmates but maybe lovers. There's a lot to sort through and untangle. Idia bobs his leg that's touching the ground, looking deep in thought.]

It hasn't. It's just... [He presses his lips together, considering.] I always wanted us to meet up, but I figured I'd chicken out last minute or something... And now you know how I feel and you're here. Not just visiting but. Here. It's a lot of pressure....

[It kept him awake at night thinking about what Crimson Muscle would think of him if they were to meet up, what he'd do if someone he cared about so much was grossed out by him. Add in the fact that they have to go to school together, that Idia isn't sure what Lilia thinks of him... Sue him that he feels sick with worry.]

[ Lilia's thoughts are far more simple than Idia's on this matter. After the initial shock, he'd taken the time to think it through briefly, before coming to an easy conclusion: Idia and Gloomurai were the same person, therefore why should he worry about anything he does or says around him? The two of them could navigate it together, knowing in full that they're both still trying to make sense of it.

Moving one hand up to tuck some of his own hair behind a pointed ear, Lilia offers Idia a gentle gaze, a soft smile. ]

It doesn't have to be. Hearing me say that doesn't help, I know. From where I'm sitting, I don't see much reason to worry anymore. This gives us the chance to slowly make sense of it together. To keep up what we have and grow it into something new, with our newfound closeness.

[ What could be better? This was a blessing - they should never see it as a curse. ]

I've spent a good portion of my life worrying about what others may think, keeping up an image that's expected of me. Only to disappoint others, let them down, and told that my actions have been wrong even when they are, objectively, right. Whether for me or others. I'd much rather know how you feel, what you want, over trying to guess. It makes it far easier for me to know what I'm doing is right.

[ A rare moment of honesty from the small fae, his voice quiet. Careful, with his words. To reveal the slightest bit without revealing anything too far about his past, his history. ]

That is all to say... Please do your best to relax. I might be scary and cannot make any promises that I won't bite -- but I certainly don't want anything to end between us.

[That... actually does make Idia feel better. In part because that's exactly what Crimson Muscle would say, so hearing it come out of Lilia's mouth helps him merge the two images more and more. That kind of practicality and level-headed approach, it's what he needs, what he admires in the other man. A soft smile worms its way onto his face, and Idia hides it against his knee.

Being someone who has the weight of expectation on his shoulders, a future that's been laid out for him with no say of his own, Idia can understand the burden Lilia describes. Not in the same way, he's sure, but... To throw out everything else and try to see this room as just the two of them. That helps, too.

From Lilia's position on the bed he can certainly see the marks he'd left on Idia's neck peeking out from beneath his slouchy hoodie. Idia seems to be very aware of this when Lilia makes that joke. Self-consciously, he curls a hand around his neck to cover it.]

...I don't want to either. I've just never done anything like this before. Obviously...

[ There was plenty more Lilia could say. More soft words he could offer, to show his own point of view in this situation. So many comforting words that could be given. Instead of rushing into it, he allows a silence to settle for long enough to allow himself to focus in one what he wants to say.

In the end, he brings one of his hands up to his own chest, resting it there. Not out of nervousness, more out of a show of his thoughtfulness, his attempt at finding those words. ]

Believe it or not... my experience does not speak on whether I've been involved in something like this before. I've had friends in the past, I have those I'd consider friends now, but this is far different from anything I've ever been through myself. We'll learn together. Take it one step at a time. If we stumble, the other can catch us.

[ It's a simpler way of looking at things, but... he hopes Idia can hear his words, can take them in. Pushing himself up to stand, he takes the few steps back towards the desk, offering both of his hands to Idia. ]

Come sit with me?

[Oh that... shocks Idia, frankly. Is that true, that this sort of thing is new to him too? Or is he bluffing again, just to make him feel like they're on the same level? Well, he has to believe it a little, given their history. Lilia is the same dependable person he's known all this time. That's something he has to put faith into.

Idia re-adjusts his position when Lilia stands, not sure what to expect. When the other man extends his hands out to him, he looks at them very seriously. For a while, actually, as he tries to smother the memory of those fingers fucking him open, of the way he-- Idia stops that train of thought. Immediate halt. Lowering his leg to the ground, he takes both of Lilia's hands and allows himself to be guided to the edge of the bed.]

Yeah, sure...

[He takes a seat beside Lilia on his own bed. It isn't lost on him that this is the first person besides Ortho that's perched here. So many firsts.. Too many in just a few days.]

[ Tugging Idia over to the bed, Lilia plops right back down onto the spot he'd been sitting moments before, releasing one of Idia's hands. The other is held for a little tiny bit longer, Lilia's thumb tracing along Idia's fingers briefly before he finally lets go.

It takes him a second before he can carefully kick off his shoes to leave them near the bed. Then, he brings his feet up, shifting to see cross-legged, facing Idia. There are several things he could bring up, things he could ask or poke at to know...

Instead of asking anything, Lilia just smiles up at him. ]

I'm really happy, actually. To know you're this close. It had been years since I'd last been able to really feel as though I connected with someone. [ Outside of his immediate circle, but that's different. That's more family than anything. ]

It was a little strange at first, but now... All I can think of is all the things that we can do now that we know.

Edited 2024-09-01 02:08 (UTC)

[Idia watches Lilia's thumb drag over his knuckles before letting his hand go. Even to some socially clueless person like him that fondness is obvious. Part of him has to wonder if he's able to hold that kind of affection for someone properly. He wonders if Lilia is like that too, someone who isn't sure what it is to love another person.

Idia lets one leg dangle off the bed, drawing the other up close by the ankle. It might not seem like a very brave thing, but Idia levels his gaze at Lilia. Sure his shoulders raise up to his ears, but he's trying. There's an effort.]

I think I get what you mean. [He locked himself in his room for years to re-build the only person he'd felt connected to and had a hard time re-integrating to society. Not the most common thing to relate to, but it counts.] ...I'm not used to that feeling either. I think that's why I'm having a hard time. But, uh... [Idia casts a glance to the side.] It could be nice...

[He's told Lilia online before that he's got nothing but words of gratitude for him, that he hopes to enjoy his company. Of course he meant that, and it's part of what he's thinking about now. However... there's an entirely new element that's been introduced to their dynamic and, as it happens, he enjoyed that a hell of a lot too.

So when the man opposite him says that, his shoulders jerk a bit. Feeling called out.]

Me... me too.

Edited 2024-09-01 04:06 (UTC)

[ The last time Lilia had allowed himself to love another person -- two, in fact -- had ended so poorly that, at this time in his life, he'd almost sworn off seeking it out as a whole. To feel love, to love someone, he's no clue how to go about it, in any way. He feels like a fool every time he tries to show love and affection of any kind to those around him. Could people even get imposter syndrome in such a way, regarding loving others?

Instead of ever bringing that up to anyone around him, he buries it. He's sure that even Idia wouldn't understand, as close as the two of them were. For this moment, at least, he wasn't going to say a single thing about it. Instead? He listens to Idia, nodding slightly.

Not used to being close to someone, huh? Or, maybe it was the happiness aspect Idia wasn't used to. Maybe both? Either way...

Was Idia ready for the aspect of Crimson Muscle he never got to witness in person? The sheer attack that was about to hit him? Lilia looks at him for a second before seeming to make a decision. There's not all that much thought behind it. His hands shift, his position changing to allow him to sit up further on his knees, and--

And he practically lunges at Idia. An attack of sorts, ending with Lilia's hands slipped around him and, really, Lilia shoves him onto his back, practically falling atop him. Letting out a soft laugh, Lilia presses his cheek against Idia's chest, not seeming to care that he'd just completely got in his personal space with that demanding affection of his. ]

... Like this! [ He finally explains himself, vaguely, as he squirms his way closer. The position is akin to him laying atop Idia, arms wrapped around him comfortably. ] If you aren't used to that feeling, then it's my job to make it all the more normal for you, starting now.

Edited 2024-09-01 05:00 (UTC)

[Idia makes a winded noise as he's shoved into the bed, bouncing with the force of the push. Wide eyes snap to look at what the hell that was, only to find Lilia's head serenely atop his chest. He can absolutely hear the frantic thud of Idia's heartbeat, which runs fast in general let alone when someone makes a run for him. For a moment his hand hovers in the air, unsure if he needs to shove the other man off of him. Then he sees that sweet expression, how comfortable he looks. It's a bit like when a beloved cat sits on your lap and falls asleep-- you're just gonna be stuck for a couple of hours. The uncertainty of where to rest his palm lasts a bit too long and he just... gently sets it next to Lilia's head. Just where it should be, right?]

... Well I'm definitely not used to that, it's like a whole other level for me. You should know that.

[Mr. "Confessed to being a giga-virgin yesterday" doesn't specialize in casual cuddling.]

[ The poor nerd under him was practically an anxiety machine, huh? His heart pounds in his chest, something that Lilia could practically hear from a few feet away. The loose hoodie Idia wears is warm, where Lilia runs cold. His eyes flutter closed, and... if Idia was going to make a move to shove him away, Lilia wasn't about to stop him. He knew it was a step they hadn't taken, a level of affection that was somehow even more intimate than when Lilia had his fingers inside of Idia, making him a mess and preparing him to take his dick.

Nodding slightly, Lilia doesn't turn his head to look up at him, instead staying as comfy as he wants to. Idia hadn't shoved him away. A silent acceptance, if anything! ]

Yes, well.... [ One hand shifts, moving his arm up from around his back to instead bring his hand to his chest, fingers lightly grabbing onto the fabric of his hoodie. ] .... it is always good to learn new things.

Unless you don't like it? [ There it is, the question that leads him to peek back up at Idia. ] Would you prefer I treat you terribly? Bully you, tease you, taunt you? I will do those things too, but such a good friend of mine deserves other, more gentle acts from me as well, you know.

[He'd been considering moving his hand closer to Lilia's head, remembering how soft the hair at his nape had been when he'd hand it tangled in his hands. No small part of him wants to feel it again. Just as he's easing closer, though, Lilia asks him a question and looks up at him. Tense, put on the spot, his fingertips curl back.

At the mention of being bullied and teased, arousal swoops low within him. Idia presses his lips together, dispelling the feeling.

God he doesn't like to talk about this sort of thing face-to-face. Why couldn't they have kept it to a DM where he could spill his guts thoughtfully? How the hell is he supposed to convey that Lilia could do whatever he wanted to him and he'd follow along?]

... You-- you know what I like.

[Literally no one in the world knows that better than Lilia does, who had him begging for it.]

[ That answer did nothing but bring another small laugh from the smaller man, as he settles his head right back down in place. He hadn't noticed the way those fingers seemed to want to tangle in his hair, that Idia had wanted to move closer at all. So much for being observant.

Can he really be blamed, though? He's so comfortable, enjoying the closeness they were sharing in this moment, even if Idia seemed wholly and completely uncomfortable with this very position.

It's a second before he responds, his voice softer. ]

I know what you like in that type of situation.... although I suppose I do know what you like in a friend just as well. [ How does he explain that he meant this? The more simple, tender touches, with no true intention behind it aside from being gentle with him. ] Unless that's all you want us to be? Friends and occasional lovers? In that case, perhaps getting close and comfortable like this isn't the right move.

[ And yet, he doesn't move away. He's cozy right where he's at. He'll stay like this for a minute longer, if he can.... ]

[Oh, that's just what he was nervous about. Trying to make sense of his own feelings is difficult enough and here's a romance flag. It could totally screw up the ending if he doesn't navigate this right and, historically, his luck is pretty bad with that. No, no, this is real life! Idia tries to steer his thoughts back on track accordingly, looking down at Lilia's head against his chest. How does he feel about this, right here? Well... it's different, way different, but to know that this is the person he's thought about for so long, whispering and curled against his chest, that untangles something in his brain slowly. He's quiet for a long time, considering, rolling the concept of Them around on his tongue.]

I... [His voice creaks back to life from disuse. Let's start again.] I wouldn't know what anything else is like. Besides being friends and... [he doesn't say it-- skips ahead.]

But, uh... [Idia glances at his hand beside Lilia's head.] If it was you...

[There might be an end to that sentence that he thought he said out loud. Instead he draws his hand up to the curve of Lilia's neck, settling his fingers into the softness of his hair. He's so warm...]

[ It feels almost cruel to even think about a possible romantic edge to the two of them. When Lilia knows what's going to eventually happen, the secrets he's kept. When he's not even sure he can handle letting himself ease into something like this. But. Well. He could continue to play pretend for a little while longer, couldn't he? Maybe time wouldn't be so cruel, maybe he'd have longer than he believes.

Idia has all the time he needs to think, as the fae sits patiently, fingers continuing playing lightly with the fabric of Idia's hoodie as he waits.

Lilia doesn't look up when he gets that response, seeming to relax further with the touch against him, the fingers in his hair. ]

Let's keep labels out, then. Do what we want with each other, no matter where it might lie within those boundaries. I believe that's easiest. The way to keep it as low pressure as possible, without overwhelming you with too many new things all at once.

[ A reasonable enough response... and, this way, if they decided they didn't want any strings attached, they wouldn't have to destroy everything they'd built to go back to what they had been. ]

[Somehow this feels like a lot of the onus is on Idia and his comfort, which is oddly vulnerable that way. Like he's some fragile thing. Lilia has always been so considerate of him so it's nothing new, just in the sense that they inhabit the same physical space now. To be cared for is just an extension of the other man's tactical abilities, in a way. Knowing just where and how to play so as not to scare him off.]

That makes sense.. you're so practical. [The impulse to tussle Lilia's hair rises in his brain but Idia quashes it down. Still, this is really nice, actually. Just running his hands leisurely through the other man's hair like this... He could probably do it for hours, just feeling the strands run between his fingers.] Is this... what you want to do?

[It'd vex him if Lilia just settled into doing what he wanted, even if that is..... obviously preferable.]

[ Idia seemed to be relaxing into the situation some. To allow his nerves to begin washing away, as scary and strange as all of this might be to him. As for that question... it's such a complicated one to answer, because. On one hand. Yes, Lilia wanted that. On the other, even that that scary.

A new level of closeness. Something past their online friendship, past the lines they'd drawn without a word. A closeness meant another person to disappoint, another person to hurt in the end.

Call him selfish; because that's what he is.
Lilia nods. ]

It has the lowest stakes. While I usually like taking risks, taking the wild side in stride, I think it's better for us. [ Strategically speaking. ] Nothing really changes in this way.

[ Shifting slightly in place, Lilia tilts his head up enough to get a tiny glance in. ]

You're not sore or anything from yesterday, are you?

[ ... and suddenly he brings that up, without an ounce of shame. ]

[God that's just what Crimson Muscle would say-- so measured and analytical! To hear it from Lilia's mouth has a swell of affection rising in his chest that Idia has no idea what to do with. He presses the back of his head into the mattress, willing away the dopey smirk worming onto his face.]

Well, I trust your judgement when it comes to things like this... [Couldn't be over-stated, he puts his trust very implicitly into the palm of Lilia's hands!

So that's why he's built up a false sense of security with their present situation-- one that's instantly shattered. Lilia can feel the nervous jerk of Idia's body beneath his head, the way his hand twitches against his hair.]

... A little.

[His legs are aching, actually-- they're not used to being moved like that!! Interestingly, they hurt more than his ass does from being stretched open on Lilia's-- Well. Idia's a virgin but not unaccustomed to fingering himself in the dark of his room thinking about the man laying on top of him. In his bed, right now.]

It's not a big deal, though.

[ That little jerk of his body would make Lilia laugh, if he wasn't so calm from the careful way Idia had been playing with his hair. Instead, it just makes his smile widen a bit, his hand sliding up to trace his jaw for a second, fingers lingering on his skin.

Then, he pulls back.

Not completely, no, he's still going to be so close to Idia. In a different way, now, as he sits himself up, moving to straddle the other boy's hips. There, now he had a perfect view of Idia from above, and the younger wouldn't be able to squirm away as easily. If he did try, Lilia would allow it, but... he has a feeling Idia won't. Not at first.

Both of his hands soon press down against the mattress as Lilia looks down at him from this position. ]

You did well for your first time. I was impressed. That doesn't happen often, you know? Impressing me. You took me so well, so eagerly.

[ Sorry, Idia, he's able to talk about this so very casually.... ]

[He should have expected this, too, but color him shocked. Idia's hands hover uncertainly over Lilia's hips where they straddle his. Is it really possible that the other man is that much smaller than him, when he feels rather larger-than-life? All he can look at is the juncture of their bodies, where the first signs of his arousal press against the other's. Idia's eyes are laser-focused on it until Lilia brings his hands to either side of his head, leering over him. Looking at him like that. Praising him.

Oh he's a problem.

The Housewarden below him looks anywhere but Lilia's hungry gaze.]

Wh-what's this all of a sudden? I'm sure that's not true, I'm nothing impressive. Besides I... came pretty much instantly.

[Just say thank you like a normal person....]

[ A problem? Oh, he's much worse than just a problem. Idia would surely learn that soon enough, right? Lilia doesn't spare the time to look down and assess the first signs of Idia's arousal. He didn't need to, when he could feel it press up against him. ]

We should talk about it, don't you think? I want to hear your thoughts, what you liked, what you want to do again sometime, what was maybe too much for you...

[ A small, light pause, before he chastises the boy, ] Don't sell yourself short, Idia. You were up against a level 100 player while you were down at level 1. All you need is a little more XP and you'll surely reach a level that's more capable of holding your own against me.

[Drink in the sight of Idia's withering gaze, a very delicate embarrassment. He's well aware of the control that Lilia has over him, how he's going to be at his mercy for as long as they're in each other's orbit. His chest heaves a few times, trying to dissipate those nerves. The hands hovering over Lilia's thighs haven't gotten the memo yet, though, and are still hanging in the balance.]

I... I mean... It's all "too much", but...

[Hearing that kind of talk from Lilia's mouth is so bizarre (he'll get used to it.. probably) but it reassures him. Literally speaking his language. It unwinds that tension coiling between his shoulders.]

I guess... I liked... [He flushes, trying to gain his bearings. Without realizing it, his hands lower, perching tentatively on Lilia's stocking-clad legs.] I liked the way you... took over. You're good at that. [Anxious, he runs his thumb absently against Lilia's socks.] The way you talked to me, told me what to do... I keep thinking about it.

[It can't get more generic than that but he's got the spirit.

Let's not even get him started on how kissing Lilia while he was buried deep inside of him was the best part of that whole fucking night.]

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