splitmemory | secret gamer friends who like to have makeout sessions

[ Truthfully? Lilia doesn’t expect Idia to reach out first. He gives the boy a few hours to process everything… and then the whole of the following day. The following evening was a Friday evening after all, so they’d have the weekend to deal with all of this if they needed it. How were they meant to approach this topic? How was Lilia meant to approach something like this?

Love, crushes, anything of that nature felt so… silly, to attempt to hold onto. Especially with all of the factors that would make it all the more complicated. What even were his feelings for his dear friend? What did he want from this? Was it a like? A care, simply due to history? A lust, near insatiable, with only platonic feelings to follow?

Regardless. Here he is, Friday evening, DMing Gloomurai. ]

Gloomurai, the newest event goes live tonight doesn’t it? We should plan for our first raid against the event boss’ dungeon. I’ve read that we’ll need to stock up on healing scrolls if we don’t have any Healing Class player characters in our party. I’ve already taken the time to begin stocking up on materials to craft and purchase them.

[ As normal as a conversation that could have, he really should get to the Big Thing, shouldn’t he…? ]

… Also.
How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically. I know that was… quite the shock. Not to mention I wasn’t given the opportunity to help clean you up afterwards or support you.

[So he doesn't go to school the next day, that's nothing new. And maybe he doesn't log on for fear of breaking some deep-seated magic, that it would betray something to reach out to Crimson Muscle first. What if he did and the guy was clueless? Oh god what if he was wrong and Lilia just happened to know this exceptionally private information about him, was loading it into the proverbial chamber. No, Idia couldn't take something like that. So he waits.

And, just like that, a notif.

Idia snaps to attention, his heart in his throat. Has he ever clicked so fast into a DM? He's holding his breath the whole time as he scans through Crimson Muscle's words. And... reading that first message.... oh so it was some illusion, wasn't it? A total lie. Idia's shoulders sink. Of course it was.

....Until the next pings come. And- oh. Oh.]

oh my god it really was you

i was low-key in denial

you have better odds of getting 20 SSR pulls in a row

[Oh but. He was asking something of him, wasn't he? Idia presses his lips together, steeling himself. Of course Crimson Muscle... Of course Lilia would care about his well-being like that. It's one of the qualities he admires most in him, how he's always looking out for others in-game, checking in on him and being attentive. After a moment he continues:]

... TLDR i'm shocked but i think you get it more than anyone else could...

[ Being in denial... Lilia could relate to that. He'd been unsure if he was remembering right, but every single time he goes back in his memory, thinks through what Idia had said, the way he said it, the look on his face when he'd brought up Idia's gamertag -- yeah, this was real. There was no doubt about it.

This was all such a strange situation, wasn't it? ]

I am as well. I completely understand. I did not expect that the faraway place we both are was actually the same island, the same school.

[ This does not feel at all like a conversation they should be having online. As comfortable as he was talking to Idia like this, he wants to make up for the fact they'd had to part so quickly after learning everything.

Would Idia be ready to see each other IRL again? To finally meet properly in person, face to face, with plenty of time to chat? Hm, and what was Idia thinking of him, now? Lilia didn't tend to hide that he was older online, not that he ever gave an exact age... and some of the things he said did make it seem like he had a past with armor, with fighting.

What did Idia think Crimson Muscle was going to look like? Act like? ]

Where on campus are you currently? Your room?

[All the dots really line up when you put them together like that. But hindsight is 20/20, right? He really couldn't say what his image of Crimson Muscle was like, other than intangible qualities like "respectable, devoted, considerate". Even in his fantasies (which he shudders to remember are Known now), he'd pictured Muscle's preferred in-game skins, vague images clouded in heady want.

Even his image of Lilia is unclear, his thoughts struggling to coalesce. There are so many memories to re-skin with Lilia's face, Lilia's voice and cadence. To know that all this time, the person who cared about him like that was just a dorm away... he struggles to believe that he could put that together in a year let alone a day. However, the undoubted fact of the matter is that when he considers the moment between them in that classroom after hours, he really likes it. All of it was just... so overwhelming. Which is part of the appeal, after all, but to think of doing it again... Idia can hardly wrap his head around it.

So the result is there is no result. All of his thoughts cancel themselves out until he's just sat in his room, uselessly flitting from one thing to the next.]

yeah where else lol

[...Oh no.]

you're not coming here are you??

[ This was not a conversation the two of them should be having online. Typing, thinking through each little message, was definitely a positive to being hidden behind their screens... but it was not how things should be done. How feelings should be addressed, how they should talk about what had happened between the two of them.

So, with that question asked in his DMs, Lilia doesn't reply. Instead...

Depending where in the room Idia was, he might see a different sight. The small little visual parts of Lilia's magic, before the smaller man appears within the room, silently popping into existence. His feet were lifted up off the ground, only coming down to settle on the floor as he regains his bearings.

He's dressed casually, clearly having gotten comfortable after back in his own dorm after classes. Yet, somehow, he still seemed really ready to be presentable. Maybe planning on hanging around with some others in Diasomnia before he ended up messaging Idia?

Regardless, he's here now. ]

Don't you think it's foolish to try and talk about something so important online, when we can easily be face-to-face?

[ Lilia, people don't just show up in other people's rooms that isn't NORMAL-- ]

[Their opinions couldn't be more opposing. Idia thinks that it's the perfect level playing field to discuss their feelings, in the spot that they know best how to communicate with each other. No stumbling over their impulses, no trying to find the right words or misconstruing the other's expressions. Yes, there's truly nothing more fair than the world of IRC. Why would Lilia want to threaten that, to barge into his dorm?

While he's thinking this, in his computer chair with his back to the room, he doesn't see Lilia spawn in. So when he speaks, it makes him nearly jump out of his seat, out of his skin. With a hurried turn, Idia whips around, the back of his chair colliding with his desk.]

D-do you even know me at all? That's obviously the last thing I'd think... [He presses his lips together. Seeing him for the first time since they, well-- it has him looking at Lilia very differently. And his casual dress on top of that? It's throwing him off, for real... And it's very obvious how his eyes are giving him repeated once-overs, not able to settle.]

[ It's hard not to laugh at the sudden shock Idia got, the way he whips around in his chair, slamming it into his desk. Not meant as a taunt, his laugh is instead gentle, calm, amused. Less threatening as some of the laughter directed Idia's way in the past may have been. ]

I'd argue I know you better than most. Call me selfish, but I prefer to talk about this here, in person.

[ Resting both of his hands on his own hips, Lilia tilts his head to one side, watching Idia as his eyes seem to take in the sight of him over and over. ]

Besides. We've finally met. Something that we thought we'd never be able to do. Can you blame me for wanting a little more time? More than anything, I want to get to know the you that's here too. Not just the you I know online.

[ His smile doesn't waver, even as he continues, ] Is that alright? I can go if you really want me to.

Fine, you're selfish.

[But there's no real bite to it, spoken in his usual flat affect. Even though it makes him uncomfortable, isn't something he'd choose in a million years, the idea of Lilia returning to his own dorm doesn't inspire relief. Now that they're within each other's orbit, letting go feels like a betrayal of that long-held desire. They'd always talked about meeting up, toying with the idea for years. And uncomfortable as it is, Idia... Well, he's used to things ending, coming into his life and leaving just as soon. He wants him here, this person he's cared about for so long.

Could he have at least knocked?]

No it's... [He presses his lips together, sweat beading at his temple.] You can stay.

[Idia pulls a leg up to his chest, tilting his head to the edge of his bed.]

Sit if you want.

[ This could get easier, over time, for Idia. Maybe he'd learn that being known wasn't such a bad thing. Or, at least...

He knew a side to Lilia that most were unaware of. His reputation on campus wasn't exactly positive even if it wasn't all that negative, as the Vice of Diasomnia. Someone mysterious, a prankster with lies up his sleeve at all times. Helpful when he wanted to be, caring when a student near him needed support. His eccentricities needn't even be mentioned -- he's someone that's clearly the opposite of Idia. An extreme extrovert.

At least, on the outside.

Moving over to the bed, he settles on the edge, pressing both of his hands down on either side of himself. His heels press into the ground lightly, toes pointed to the ceiling in those cute little shoes he had on. ]

You're not disappointed, are you? [ The question finally leaves the small fae, to start them off. ] You always seemed to think so highly of me. I would hate to ruin what we have in any way. It's very special to me.

[ Easily, he starts by speaking his mind, deciding it best to not sit there waiting for Idia to start this. He wouldn't and they both knew it. ]

[It embarrasses him but Idia appreciates that they get right to the point. His heart is hammering in his chest, being reminded that Lilia thinks what they have is special. Of course he thinks so too, it's one of the most important things in his life. Crimson Muscle and Lilia feel so different in his head, but... His struggle to marry the two in his mind doesn't change how he feels.

Idia makes a face at Lilia, resting his cheek against his knee.]

I meant what I said then and I mean it now. And I'm nothing if not honest. [He fusses with the fabric of his pants with his fingertips.] Do I seem disappointed?

[It wouldn't shock him; his vibes bog everyone down.]

Not at all.

[ The answer comes out without a second thought. Lilia shifts his position slightly, letting himself slouch some. A more casual position. His eyes begin to wander around the room. Less of a nervous energy thing and more getting a sense of the space that Gloomurai -- Idia -- inhabits. ]

More so that I wanted to check in. Make sure that hadn't changed after being able to give it some thought.

[ After all, people's thoughts and opinions can change quickly, especially from one emotional situation to a calm mind, where they could think it through, process it. ]

[...God he's so pretty. It's actually unfair how good he looks, sitting so casually on his (his!!) bed. Idia's eyes keep catching on the gap between Lilia's thigh-highs and the bottom of that oversized hoodie of his... Absolute territory...

His attention returns back when reminded of the context in which the exist now-- strangers but best friends but distant classmates but maybe lovers. There's a lot to sort through and untangle. Idia bobs his leg that's touching the ground, looking deep in thought.]

It hasn't. It's just... [He presses his lips together, considering.] I always wanted us to meet up, but I figured I'd chicken out last minute or something... And now you know how I feel and you're here. Not just visiting but. Here. It's a lot of pressure....

[It kept him awake at night thinking about what Crimson Muscle would think of him if they were to meet up, what he'd do if someone he cared about so much was grossed out by him. Add in the fact that they have to go to school together, that Idia isn't sure what Lilia thinks of him... Sue him that he feels sick with worry.]

[ Lilia's thoughts are far more simple than Idia's on this matter. After the initial shock, he'd taken the time to think it through briefly, before coming to an easy conclusion: Idia and Gloomurai were the same person, therefore why should he worry about anything he does or says around him? The two of them could navigate it together, knowing in full that they're both still trying to make sense of it.

Moving one hand up to tuck some of his own hair behind a pointed ear, Lilia offers Idia a gentle gaze, a soft smile. ]

It doesn't have to be. Hearing me say that doesn't help, I know. From where I'm sitting, I don't see much reason to worry anymore. This gives us the chance to slowly make sense of it together. To keep up what we have and grow it into something new, with our newfound closeness.

[ What could be better? This was a blessing - they should never see it as a curse. ]

I've spent a good portion of my life worrying about what others may think, keeping up an image that's expected of me. Only to disappoint others, let them down, and told that my actions have been wrong even when they are, objectively, right. Whether for me or others. I'd much rather know how you feel, what you want, over trying to guess. It makes it far easier for me to know what I'm doing is right.

[ A rare moment of honesty from the small fae, his voice quiet. Careful, with his words. To reveal the slightest bit without revealing anything too far about his past, his history. ]

That is all to say... Please do your best to relax. I might be scary and cannot make any promises that I won't bite -- but I certainly don't want anything to end between us.

[That... actually does make Idia feel better. In part because that's exactly what Crimson Muscle would say, so hearing it come out of Lilia's mouth helps him merge the two images more and more. That kind of practicality and level-headed approach, it's what he needs, what he admires in the other man. A soft smile worms its way onto his face, and Idia hides it against his knee.

Being someone who has the weight of expectation on his shoulders, a future that's been laid out for him with no say of his own, Idia can understand the burden Lilia describes. Not in the same way, he's sure, but... To throw out everything else and try to see this room as just the two of them. That helps, too.

From Lilia's position on the bed he can certainly see the marks he'd left on Idia's neck peeking out from beneath his slouchy hoodie. Idia seems to be very aware of this when Lilia makes that joke. Self-consciously, he curls a hand around his neck to cover it.]

...I don't want to either. I've just never done anything like this before. Obviously...

[ There was plenty more Lilia could say. More soft words he could offer, to show his own point of view in this situation. So many comforting words that could be given. Instead of rushing into it, he allows a silence to settle for long enough to allow himself to focus in one what he wants to say.

In the end, he brings one of his hands up to his own chest, resting it there. Not out of nervousness, more out of a show of his thoughtfulness, his attempt at finding those words. ]

Believe it or not... my experience does not speak on whether I've been involved in something like this before. I've had friends in the past, I have those I'd consider friends now, but this is far different from anything I've ever been through myself. We'll learn together. Take it one step at a time. If we stumble, the other can catch us.

[ It's a simpler way of looking at things, but... he hopes Idia can hear his words, can take them in. Pushing himself up to stand, he takes the few steps back towards the desk, offering both of his hands to Idia. ]

Come sit with me?

[Oh that... shocks Idia, frankly. Is that true, that this sort of thing is new to him too? Or is he bluffing again, just to make him feel like they're on the same level? Well, he has to believe it a little, given their history. Lilia is the same dependable person he's known all this time. That's something he has to put faith into.

Idia re-adjusts his position when Lilia stands, not sure what to expect. When the other man extends his hands out to him, he looks at them very seriously. For a while, actually, as he tries to smother the memory of those fingers fucking him open, of the way he-- Idia stops that train of thought. Immediate halt. Lowering his leg to the ground, he takes both of Lilia's hands and allows himself to be guided to the edge of the bed.]

Yeah, sure...

[He takes a seat beside Lilia on his own bed. It isn't lost on him that this is the first person besides Ortho that's perched here. So many firsts.. Too many in just a few days.]

[ Tugging Idia over to the bed, Lilia plops right back down onto the spot he'd been sitting moments before, releasing one of Idia's hands. The other is held for a little tiny bit longer, Lilia's thumb tracing along Idia's fingers briefly before he finally lets go.

It takes him a second before he can carefully kick off his shoes to leave them near the bed. Then, he brings his feet up, shifting to see cross-legged, facing Idia. There are several things he could bring up, things he could ask or poke at to know...

Instead of asking anything, Lilia just smiles up at him. ]

I'm really happy, actually. To know you're this close. It had been years since I'd last been able to really feel as though I connected with someone. [ Outside of his immediate circle, but that's different. That's more family than anything. ]

It was a little strange at first, but now... All I can think of is all the things that we can do now that we know.

Edited 2024-09-01 02:08 (UTC)

[Idia watches Lilia's thumb drag over his knuckles before letting his hand go. Even to some socially clueless person like him that fondness is obvious. Part of him has to wonder if he's able to hold that kind of affection for someone properly. He wonders if Lilia is like that too, someone who isn't sure what it is to love another person.

Idia lets one leg dangle off the bed, drawing the other up close by the ankle. It might not seem like a very brave thing, but Idia levels his gaze at Lilia. Sure his shoulders raise up to his ears, but he's trying. There's an effort.]

I think I get what you mean. [He locked himself in his room for years to re-build the only person he'd felt connected to and had a hard time re-integrating to society. Not the most common thing to relate to, but it counts.] ...I'm not used to that feeling either. I think that's why I'm having a hard time. But, uh... [Idia casts a glance to the side.] It could be nice...

[He's told Lilia online before that he's got nothing but words of gratitude for him, that he hopes to enjoy his company. Of course he meant that, and it's part of what he's thinking about now. However... there's an entirely new element that's been introduced to their dynamic and, as it happens, he enjoyed that a hell of a lot too.

So when the man opposite him says that, his shoulders jerk a bit. Feeling called out.]

Me... me too.

Edited 2024-09-01 04:06 (UTC)

[ The last time Lilia had allowed himself to love another person -- two, in fact -- had ended so poorly that, at this time in his life, he'd almost sworn off seeking it out as a whole. To feel love, to love someone, he's no clue how to go about it, in any way. He feels like a fool every time he tries to show love and affection of any kind to those around him. Could people even get imposter syndrome in such a way, regarding loving others?

Instead of ever bringing that up to anyone around him, he buries it. He's sure that even Idia wouldn't understand, as close as the two of them were. For this moment, at least, he wasn't going to say a single thing about it. Instead? He listens to Idia, nodding slightly.

Not used to being close to someone, huh? Or, maybe it was the happiness aspect Idia wasn't used to. Maybe both? Either way...

Was Idia ready for the aspect of Crimson Muscle he never got to witness in person? The sheer attack that was about to hit him? Lilia looks at him for a second before seeming to make a decision. There's not all that much thought behind it. His hands shift, his position changing to allow him to sit up further on his knees, and--

And he practically lunges at Idia. An attack of sorts, ending with Lilia's hands slipped around him and, really, Lilia shoves him onto his back, practically falling atop him. Letting out a soft laugh, Lilia presses his cheek against Idia's chest, not seeming to care that he'd just completely got in his personal space with that demanding affection of his. ]

... Like this! [ He finally explains himself, vaguely, as he squirms his way closer. The position is akin to him laying atop Idia, arms wrapped around him comfortably. ] If you aren't used to that feeling, then it's my job to make it all the more normal for you, starting now.

Edited 2024-09-01 05:00 (UTC)

[Idia makes a winded noise as he's shoved into the bed, bouncing with the force of the push. Wide eyes snap to look at what the hell that was, only to find Lilia's head serenely atop his chest. He can absolutely hear the frantic thud of Idia's heartbeat, which runs fast in general let alone when someone makes a run for him. For a moment his hand hovers in the air, unsure if he needs to shove the other man off of him. Then he sees that sweet expression, how comfortable he looks. It's a bit like when a beloved cat sits on your lap and falls asleep-- you're just gonna be stuck for a couple of hours. The uncertainty of where to rest his palm lasts a bit too long and he just... gently sets it next to Lilia's head. Just where it should be, right?]

... Well I'm definitely not used to that, it's like a whole other level for me. You should know that.

[Mr. "Confessed to being a giga-virgin yesterday" doesn't specialize in casual cuddling.]

[ The poor nerd under him was practically an anxiety machine, huh? His heart pounds in his chest, something that Lilia could practically hear from a few feet away. The loose hoodie Idia wears is warm, where Lilia runs cold. His eyes flutter closed, and... if Idia was going to make a move to shove him away, Lilia wasn't about to stop him. He knew it was a step they hadn't taken, a level of affection that was somehow even more intimate than when Lilia had his fingers inside of Idia, making him a mess and preparing him to take his dick.

Nodding slightly, Lilia doesn't turn his head to look up at him, instead staying as comfy as he wants to. Idia hadn't shoved him away. A silent acceptance, if anything! ]

Yes, well.... [ One hand shifts, moving his arm up from around his back to instead bring his hand to his chest, fingers lightly grabbing onto the fabric of his hoodie. ] .... it is always good to learn new things.

Unless you don't like it? [ There it is, the question that leads him to peek back up at Idia. ] Would you prefer I treat you terribly? Bully you, tease you, taunt you? I will do those things too, but such a good friend of mine deserves other, more gentle acts from me as well, you know.

[He'd been considering moving his hand closer to Lilia's head, remembering how soft the hair at his nape had been when he'd hand it tangled in his hands. No small part of him wants to feel it again. Just as he's easing closer, though, Lilia asks him a question and looks up at him. Tense, put on the spot, his fingertips curl back.

At the mention of being bullied and teased, arousal swoops low within him. Idia presses his lips together, dispelling the feeling.

God he doesn't like to talk about this sort of thing face-to-face. Why couldn't they have kept it to a DM where he could spill his guts thoughtfully? How the hell is he supposed to convey that Lilia could do whatever he wanted to him and he'd follow along?]

... You-- you know what I like.

[Literally no one in the world knows that better than Lilia does, who had him begging for it.]

[ That answer did nothing but bring another small laugh from the smaller man, as he settles his head right back down in place. He hadn't noticed the way those fingers seemed to want to tangle in his hair, that Idia had wanted to move closer at all. So much for being observant.

Can he really be blamed, though? He's so comfortable, enjoying the closeness they were sharing in this moment, even if Idia seemed wholly and completely uncomfortable with this very position.

It's a second before he responds, his voice softer. ]

I know what you like in that type of situation.... although I suppose I do know what you like in a friend just as well. [ How does he explain that he meant this? The more simple, tender touches, with no true intention behind it aside from being gentle with him. ] Unless that's all you want us to be? Friends and occasional lovers? In that case, perhaps getting close and comfortable like this isn't the right move.

[ And yet, he doesn't move away. He's cozy right where he's at. He'll stay like this for a minute longer, if he can.... ]

[Oh, that's just what he was nervous about. Trying to make sense of his own feelings is difficult enough and here's a romance flag. It could totally screw up the ending if he doesn't navigate this right and, historically, his luck is pretty bad with that. No, no, this is real life! Idia tries to steer his thoughts back on track accordingly, looking down at Lilia's head against his chest. How does he feel about this, right here? Well... it's different, way different, but to know that this is the person he's thought about for so long, whispering and curled against his chest, that untangles something in his brain slowly. He's quiet for a long time, considering, rolling the concept of Them around on his tongue.]

I... [His voice creaks back to life from disuse. Let's start again.] I wouldn't know what anything else is like. Besides being friends and... [he doesn't say it-- skips ahead.]

But, uh... [Idia glances at his hand beside Lilia's head.] If it was you...

[There might be an end to that sentence that he thought he said out loud. Instead he draws his hand up to the curve of Lilia's neck, settling his fingers into the softness of his hair. He's so warm...]

[ It feels almost cruel to even think about a possible romantic edge to the two of them. When Lilia knows what's going to eventually happen, the secrets he's kept. When he's not even sure he can handle letting himself ease into something like this. But. Well. He could continue to play pretend for a little while longer, couldn't he? Maybe time wouldn't be so cruel, maybe he'd have longer than he believes.

Idia has all the time he needs to think, as the fae sits patiently, fingers continuing playing lightly with the fabric of Idia's hoodie as he waits.

Lilia doesn't look up when he gets that response, seeming to relax further with the touch against him, the fingers in his hair. ]

Let's keep labels out, then. Do what we want with each other, no matter where it might lie within those boundaries. I believe that's easiest. The way to keep it as low pressure as possible, without overwhelming you with too many new things all at once.

[ A reasonable enough response... and, this way, if they decided they didn't want any strings attached, they wouldn't have to destroy everything they'd built to go back to what they had been. ]

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