splitmemory | Roommates and Secret Crushes

Shu has only ever wished for a quiet high school life--to go unnoticed, unbothered--and for the most part, he's gotten exactly that. Acknowledged but never in the spotlight, noted but never harassed. He's never thought to wish for something greater, never envisioned outright happiness as part of the plan--but here at the beginning of the year, a good thing has materialized.

He and Finn get to room together. It's only a small thing, an arrangement that probably won't carry over to next year, but one he'll enjoy while it lasts. They've been good friends since they were young--as long as Shu can remember, anyhow; most memories seem to have Finn in them some way or another--and he can't think of any friend he'd rather share his living space with. Finn is quiet, kind, undisruptive--the closest thing he could call a best friend in a small swathe of quasi-friendships, a guy practically anyone could like given the chance. There's a reason they've been close for as long as they have.

By the time lights-out is announced, he expects to be a lot more tired than he is, more worn out from the hustle and shuffle of the first day of the new year. But he's well in the hold of wakefulness, warm and actually looking forward to what comes next. It's an odd feeling--'okay' is both his high and his baseline. Excitement isn't really his territory. He rolls onto his side, props his head up on his elbow.

"It's...kind of hard to sleep, isn't it?" He gives a small, awkward smile, only too aware of how odd he's feeling. It's only a rooming arrangement, but still... "I barely knew my roommate last year. He was always sneaking off to party, so..."

School was never an easy time for Finn. Whether he was pushed around by bullies or taken advantage of by other students due to his hard working tendencies, he'd never exactly gotten along with anyone. Constantly he'd dealt with difficult situation after difficult situation. With his older brother being selected as the next Visionary at the end of the last year, practically abandoning him to his own devices... well, Finn's school life wasn't exactly going smoothly.

When he got the news that he'd be rooming with the one person he could call a friend, Finn was overjoyed. Then, the dread began to sink in. How was he supposed to hide the stupid crush that'd been building up within him for the last few years if he's rooming with the guy?! Living together for a whole school year, maybe more if they didn't end up swapping again - don't most of the third years keep their roommates??

Whatever the panic, he settles down some once the two of them have gotten things moved in and have gotten past their first day. Finn has his blanket tugged up, hands grabbing lightly at it, pulling part of it against his chest as he lies on his side, already facing Shu across the small room.

Blinking over at him, Finn quickly nods in agreement. "A little." It wasn't like they hadn't shared a room before, for a night or two here and there. This was so different, though. "My roommate last year... he was constantly pestering me for my notes and quizzes. I didn't get to know him, but, well..." One hand comes up, playing with some of his hair, as he lets out a nervous laugh, "I'm just glad to be rooming with someone else." There's a pause, before he adds one more thing.

"We got lucky, huh?"

At the mention of Finn's old roommate, Shu can't help frowning momentarily. It doesn't seem fair that Shu goes largely under the radar while Finn gets targeted like that. Why should someone so all-around good be picked on? There are times he'd like to encourage his friend to stand up for himself, to fight back against what's so clearly wrong--but in the end he pulls the sentiment inward, never gives voice to those thoughts. Who is he to tell Finn to defy anybody? Shu has never stood up for much of anything--he keeps himself small, never challenges the status quo. Sometimes he wonders if Finn resents that--if he dislikes that quality in Shu as much as Shu himself does.

"We did," he replies, pulling himself from his thoughts. He gives another small smile. "...Don't worry about that jerk from last year. Hopefully this year he's stuck bugging someone who won't give in."

...He regrets that as soon as he's said it: he makes Finn sound like a pushover, or something. He's always doing stuff like this, always saying the wrong thing in the worst ways. It's a wonder Finn has put up with it for as long as he has. Shu clutches his blanket a little closer, looking downward as he toys with its edge.

The frown doesn't go unnoticed, though it does go without a comment. Finn knew very well how others saw him, how they believed him to be, what they saw in him. There's no use standing up for himself when he was so weak. If he tried, he'd get beaten down, made to regret ever thinking he could try. He knows better than to do anything more than survive. That's all he's ever done, really. But to resent someone or something about them would go against who Finn was. The only person in this world who he could even feel those types of feelings towards was himself. Shu not standing up for anything, having that weakness, wasn't something that Finn resented... within Shu. Within himself? Absolutely.

There's a slight grimace that crosses Finn's face as those words leave Shu's mouth. He plays it off with a laugh - by now he understood that, sometimes, Shu wasn't exactly the best with his words.

"Hopefully." Finn agrees, turning his gaze away for a second. He knows he's a pushover, it's not like Shu needed to sugarcoat it. Looking back to Shu, he continues, "You're right, he isn't my problem anymore... I don't mind the idea of studying with another person, but, you know. That wasn't studying."

Averting his gaze, Finn seems to have something else to ask-- thankfully, he wouldn't need to keep Shu waiting too long. "If we have shared classes too... would... would you want to maybe study together?" Pulling his blanket further up, he covers the lower half of his face as he stares over at Shu, clearly embarrassed he even asked.

"I-- If not, that's fine too!! I understand, studying is, um.... hard as is, and.... and...." There Finn goes, on one of his nervous rambles.

Edited (html!) 2024-07-05 21:08 (UTC)

He looks back up, expression softened by the nervousness lining Finn's voice and his face half-covered. Shu gets it: it's hard to ask people for other things, especially when it feels like imposing, but he wishes Finn could see that he really doesn't mind, that he's open to hearing his friend out even if he can't always give him a resounding 'yes'. Maybe it's his own fault? With the way he fumbled just now... They've known each other a long time, but maybe his clumsy words still hurt.

"Of course I would," Shu replies, hoping to make up for earlier. "After all, you're a lot better at this stuff than I am...I should be thanking you, if anything."

It's always so difficult to know what was too much to ask for, what wasn't too much. Really, the both of them should be focusing closely on their own needs and asking for them, but neither of them ever could. Finn knows he's silly, knows that it's foolish to worry about something so small, and yet... it felt so much easier to worry than to speak his mind and get hurt for it.

Finn lights up when Shu's reply comes, pulling the blanket down from his face.

"Don't say that." Shifting in his bed, Finn pushes himself to sit up properly, crossing his legs on the bed as he turns to face Shu across the room. His blanket is tugged up, pulled around his shoulders. "We'll work hard together and push each other even further...!" Finn seems to decide this as fact, unable to wipe his smile from his face now.

"And.... and... when we have bad days, we can cheer each other up without having to meet up."

...Sometimes, Shu wonders how he landed a friend in a boy like Finn. He's a good person, so bright when he actually allows himself to shine, kinder to Shu than he strictly deserves. They're similar at the surface, in shyness and the ways they make themselves small, but so wholly different beyond that. When has Shu ever promised to work hard for anyone? To cheer them up when things go sideways? He doesn't put himself out there like that, but Finn does--and for him, of all people. Between gratitude and a sense of guilt, he's not entirely sure which tugs at him more.

"Mm. That's right." Finn's smile is infectious--Shu feels himself smiling too, a meek, careful thing. "Thank you, Finn. It's never a good idea to expect too much, but...I think you've made me look forward to this year."

Really, Finn had no clue what he was doing, how he was affecting Shu's outlook on the year, how he might be reminding him how different they were. All he was doing was trying to cheer them both on a little, to remind them that there were still good parts to starting a new school year, no matter how hard it was to thrust themselves headfirst into it.

He didn't do much, but if he could make Shu look forward to the year with just a few simple words... he's not going to complain about it.

Holding his blanket tight around himself, feeling his face warm up, Finn can't help that cheerful, beaming look, although his smile does falter a bit after a second. "Really, um... last year, I was able to go to Rayne's dorm often. He told me not to this year. So-- so I'm just trying to find other things to look forward to instead." That's a major part of why he was having a hard time sleeping, really.

"Oh. Did you hear about that afternoon party that's being held by some of the first years in our dorm this weekend? Are you planning on going...? If not, I was thinking that we could go into town instead...." Seems he has some thoughts, an idea brewing. "Avoid some of the noise, you know?"

Rayne is something of an odd topic for them. For Shu, anyway--he wouldn't dream of talking badly about Finn's own brother to his face, but he's never come close to liking the guy and the assignment of Visionary hasn't helped any. He's that sort of stuck-up, good-looking jerk that all the girls flock to, and he's so cold to Finn besides. But people always follow the popular guys, don't they? No matter how cruel they are. Privately, he thinks Finn ought to give up on his brother altogether, that some slights run deeper than blood. But he wouldn't ever say so, wouldn't put Finn in that position.

Grateful for the change in topic, Shu shrugs, the blanket shifting around him slightly. "I was going to skip it, so we might as well if you are too. I'm not really into that kind of stuff, so..."

He means it--he'd rather be with his friend doing the stuff they like, rather than trying to navigate a social landscape he's not cut out for. At the same time...well, there's supposed to be girls, and he's already in his second year without any experience, so to speak. Shu's invitation to the whole affair came with a clap on the back and the promise of "cute freshmen chicks", which isn't really enough to change his mind about partying, but it does make part of him wonder if he's missing out. Moreover, it makes him wonder if Finn ever feels like he's missing out. He probably wants to date around as much as the next guy, right? Every healthy high school boy wants that.

"You sure, though? You might meet a girl you like, or something. There's supposed to be a lot of them coming."

It's...good to encourage a friend, right? Especially after Finn's been so positive with him. That's what he tells himself, anyway--that his suggestion is his way of repaying Finn's kindness, and that a girl in the equation wouldn't make stuff weird.

Rayne was definitely an odd topic for them, and while the change was good for Shu... it quickly became a poor choice on Finn's part, as Shu began to talk about meeting girls. Dating wasn't something that Finn enjoyed talking about, even if on occasion it'd come up. Talking about girls always stung a little more than he'd like to admit, after he realized he liked Shu. Even if he hadn't had this stupid crush on his friend, he knew for a fact that he'd be too shy to talk to any girls or other boys.

"Oh, um..." Playing with the edge of his blanket, Finn attempts to think through an excuse. Something, anything, that wouldn't make him obvious.

"Meeting a girl at a party sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? If they're the types who like to be outgoing and go to parties in the first place, I doubt we'd get along..." Finn shakes his head, looking down to his lap to avoid Shu's gaze. "If I'm going to find someone to date, I'd rather it happen somewhere else. I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not by forcing myself to go to some party."

At least that last sentence was the truth, right?

Shifting, he moves his blanket off himself, dropping it on the bed and slowly standing up from his bed. If they can't sleep anyways, might as well get up, right? He grabs his phone on the way, before sitting himself on the floor in front of Shu's bed. This closeness reminds him of the rare sleepovers they'd had as kids - surely Shu wouldn't mind, right?

"I was thinking we could stop by the library and this little cafe near it that just opened up." He mentions, eyes down on his phone as he begins to pull it up to show Shu.

Finn does have a point. The more he thinks about it, the more it seems pointless to have brought it up, anyway. Maybe it's that new year spirit getting to his head. What's the saying? "New year, new me"? Finn doesn't need to be anybody new. And deep down, Shu kind of does feel like a girl in either of their lives would make things weird--they agreed to live it up as roommates, and that would quickly throw a girl-shaped dent into an otherwise good plan.

Shu doesn't get out of bed, but he does edge closer to Finn, the low-set bed allowing him to see the phone of the screen easily enough. It's a modern but cozy-looking place, with no big gimmicks. All within walking distance of the library...seems perfect, as far as he's concerned.

"Yeah, we'll check it out," Shu says, smiling. He cranes his neck a little to read the reviews as Finn scrolls. "Oh, they have a bakery. We could bring some stuff back for later."

If Shu wanted to find a girl he was interested in, it would be a completely different story, really. Finn would support him through it, no matter what. That's part of being a friend, right? Supporting your friend, even when it hurt to do. Maybe he should try to find some way to get over this silly crush of his... it's only a matter of time before Shu does find someone he wants to be with, isn't it?

For now, Finn had him all to himself, and was the one that Shu was making plans with. Pushing those other thoughts from his head, he focuses on the conversation at hand the best he can, looking at the cafe's listing with Shu.

"That's a good idea!" Finn nods, turning his head to look at his friend. Oh. They-- really were close, huh? Snapping his head forward, he can feel his heart begin to pound in his chest. So much for not thinking about anything weird!!!!

"M-- Maybe it'll become a spot we-- that we-- um." Okay, deep breath Finn. Relax. "You know how some students in stories and shows seem to find a study spot that they make theirs? Maybe we can find one together. This place seems nice to try for that. Then we won't be stuck studying here all the time."

Finn seems to go jittery on him for a second, and Shu looks on at the side of his face, curious. But it's over almost as soon as it begins, and he's left with nothing but the faint wonder of what that might have been about. Maybe it's just Finn being Finn. Shu skews nervous at times, but Finn is probably a little more severe about it...that's what he thinks, anyway.

He likes the suggestion of a second study spot--somewhere to call their own. He's never really had that with anyone, never was close enough to another person to find a space he'd term 'theirs'. His haunts are usually his alone. But if anyone is the right person for this, it's Finn, who's stood by Shu so long even with all his faults and blunders, like his misstep earlier.

"That's true," Shu agrees. "Switching things up now and then doesn't hurt."

Roommates and Secret Crushes

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